So I had an interesting conversation with my therapist this morning, and for the first time in a while I actually cried. My mother really hurts me on an emotional, mental and spiritual level every single day and she doesn’t even notice. I try so hard to make her happy, I do everything she asks, I compliment her on a daily basis, I clean her laundry, wash the dishes every day, make her coffee, comfort her when she’s down, but its never fucking enough and I feel like an idiot. For years, every therapist I’ve had has told me to distance myself from her because she does more damage than good, but every time I do that, I feel horrible as if I’m abandoning her. She constantly throws in my face that my dad abandoned me and that she didn’t, and it breaks my heart every time she says it. I genuinely don’t know how to deal with her, its impossible for me to block her out. It’s a full time job working to consciously block out every thing she does or says to break me down. Sometimes, I’m too tired to keep my walls up and that’s when her attacks are lethal. I just want, for once, her to tell me that I’m doing a good job and give me a hug even, I don’t know. Just, whatever. Fuck it. I’m done.
Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get going….xoxo