Today I was supposed to go into Manhattan to get a bottle of Brothers Bond Bourbon signed by Ian Somerhalder & Paul Wesley, but I talked myself out of it last minute. I literally woke up at 3am to get ready. I planned to sit outside Park Ave liquor shop for 8 hours just so I could get an autograph, which I already have one from Ian Somerhalder anyway, and so that I could MAYBE get a photo with them. But I decided it wasn’t worth it. So, I took off work for absolutely no reason and instead of going into the city, I went for a walk around the lake by my house and then I sat around my house the rest of the day, cleaning, and writing.
I talked to my Uncle David today on the phone, who I haven’t talked to in a decently long time, about a bunch of random things. But the one topic that came up that I honestly hate discussing was my absentee father. He cheated on my mom when I was a junior in high school for an entire year, he had an affair. When she found out, she destroyed everything he owned, and they got restraining orders and obviously eventually a divorce. My dad pulled some pretty sleezy shit trying to deem my mom as unfit to be a mother so he could win custody but not because he actually wanted me or my sister, he just wanted to get child support and win the house. None of that worked out for him but I was so close to my dad at the time that I would have followed him anywhere. So, when he left, I tried living with him and the woman he cheated on my mom with, but no matter what I did, it just never worked out. Now, I’m about to be 29 and I haven’t spoken to my dad in almost 9 years. He got married, had another kid with this woman who by the way has 2 ex-husbands and 8 kids already with them who she abandoned for her new life with my father. He never paid child support to my mom for my sister, he got me illegally emancipated before I turned 18 just so that he wouldn’t have to pay child support for me, and to top it all off, he recently moved out of New York and didn’t bother to tell anyone where he was going, not even my grandma or his siblings. Needless to say, I hate when someone brings him up in conversation because it just hurts me to talk about it. I for some reason kept a note that he wrote to me, he gave it to my grandma to give to me on the day of my high school graduation because he decided at the last minute that he wasn’t going to come but didn’t even have the balls to tell me. The note basically explains why he didn’t come and then at the bottom it says (p.s. Remember when the going gets tough, the tough get going….xoxo). He put that letter inside of a picture frame with a photo of me and him when I was a baby and then there’s an empty space for another photo above it and it has a post it covering it that says (Graduation Photo). I don’t know why I kept the frame or the letter all these years, but I did, and I hate myself for it. I wish I could somehow get some type of closure with him but since I have no idea how to even contact him, I doubt that will happen.
Anyway, those are my demons of the day. How did I handle all the emotions I’ve been trying to repress for years? I wrote and worked on my fanfictions, I walked my dog, I cleaned my room, called my therapist, and found some peace in my head. It’s not easy, some days I really want to bash my head against a wall, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I have been through worse, and I am strong and resilient.
Keep fighting, I know its rough, but they say its worth it.
Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get going…xoxo