Never Enough

So I had an interesting conversation with my therapist this morning, and for the first time in a while I actually cried. My mother really hurts me on an emotional, mental and spiritual level every single day and she doesn’t even notice. I try so hard to make her happy, I do everything she asks, I compliment her on a daily basis, I clean her laundry, wash the dishes every day, make her coffee, comfort her when she’s down, but its never fucking enough and I feel like an idiot. For years, every therapist I’ve had has told me to distance myself from her because she does more damage than good, but every time I do that, I feel horrible as if I’m abandoning her. She constantly throws in my face that my dad abandoned me and that she didn’t, and it breaks my heart every time she says it. I genuinely don’t know how to deal with her, its impossible for me to block her out. It’s a full time job working to consciously block out every thing she does or says to break me down. Sometimes, I’m too tired to keep my walls up and that’s when her attacks are lethal. I just want, for once, her to tell me that I’m doing a good job and give me a hug even, I don’t know. Just, whatever. Fuck it. I’m done.

Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get going….xoxo

“My ears are ringing; I just can’t talk right now…”

My mother, God, I don’t even know where to begin. She is a divine creature who is gifted with the power to destroy anyone’s self-esteem and make happiness look like an illusion. It’s really amazing how she can make a good story where you accomplished something into a chaotic event where nothing was achieved. Oh, and she has the capability to throw down 2 bottles of cabernet in about 3 hours, all by herself. She really is a gem. And I know what you’re thinking, I should respect her because she is my mother. Well, here’s the thing, I did respect her, I bent over backwards for her and still fucking do because I’m an idiot and constantly feel the need to seek her approval. But here’s the catch, SHE IS NEVER SATISFIED. No matter what I do, say, achieve, cook for her, clean, buy her, it doesn’t make a God damn difference because she is just ungrateful. She will literally sit on the phone all fucking day gossiping to her friends, but God forbid I need to talk to her, she has a headache or doesn’t feel good. Every day she has a new illness or something bothering her. I just can’t handle it much longer I really can’t, she makes me want to burn this whole house to the ground, and that says a lot because I have genuinely been working on my anger issues. But it’s not me, I will not blame myself anymore for the way she acts.

Finding out who I am…

It’s hard when you use for so many years and you forget who you are. I used to actually enjoy doing things and now I don’t even know what I like anymore. I mean, I’m really grateful that I started writing because that is something I definitely enjoy doing. I also love to dance but the bar/club atmosphere is tough for me to be in sometimes. I actually just went dancing the other night with my bambino, who I haven’t seen in way too long. We went to a bar called Kacey’s, it’s like a rooftop bar for people over 25 and then Inside is a club type thing which I think is more entertaining. I had such an amazing night with him, honestly, I haven’t had fun like that in a while. I miss being able to see him every day, but I screwed that up. It will all be over soon though and then I’ll actually be able to enjoy him on a daily basis. But, yeah, I genuinely don’t know what I like to do anymore, it seems like all the things I wanted to do while I was getting high and couldn’t because I had no money, when I try to do those activities now that I have money, I don’t enjoy doing them, does that make sense? Like, now that I have a sober thinking/non chaotic mind set, I don’t find any of those ideas’ fun. It’s been almost 12 years since I really let myself just be myself, and sometimes it is kind of scary figuring out who I am. So far, I love the person I’m becoming, and I wish that I didn’t hide myself away under the influence for so many years. Anyway, I have to get ready for work now, I’ll update again later.

Stay Golden

…::…WorkWorkWork…::…

At work today they started training me to do fulfillment which is basically just shopping for people that place online orders. I have experience doing it already from when I worked at Target, so I caught on pretty quickly. Anyway, I literally just got home from work, took the bus like usual, it is SUPER hot outside, especially because I was wearing long sleeves and pants ugh.

TTFN

Same sh*t, different day

Today I was supposed to go into Manhattan to get a bottle of Brothers Bond Bourbon signed by Ian Somerhalder & Paul Wesley, but I talked myself out of it last minute. I literally woke up at 3am to get ready. I planned to sit outside Park Ave liquor shop for 8 hours just so I could get an autograph, which I already have one from Ian Somerhalder anyway, and so that I could MAYBE get a photo with them. But I decided it wasn’t worth it. So, I took off work for absolutely no reason and instead of going into the city, I went for a walk around the lake by my house and then I sat around my house the rest of the day, cleaning, and writing.

I talked to my Uncle David today on the phone, who I haven’t talked to in a decently long time, about a bunch of random things. But the one topic that came up that I honestly hate discussing was my absentee father. He cheated on my mom when I was a junior in high school for an entire year, he had an affair. When she found out, she destroyed everything he owned, and they got restraining orders and obviously eventually a divorce. My dad pulled some pretty sleezy shit trying to deem my mom as unfit to be a mother so he could win custody but not because he actually wanted me or my sister, he just wanted to get child support and win the house. None of that worked out for him but I was so close to my dad at the time that I would have followed him anywhere. So, when he left, I tried living with him and the woman he cheated on my mom with, but no matter what I did, it just never worked out. Now, I’m about to be 29 and I haven’t spoken to my dad in almost 9 years. He got married, had another kid with this woman who by the way has 2 ex-husbands and 8 kids already with them who she abandoned for her new life with my father. He never paid child support to my mom for my sister, he got me illegally emancipated before I turned 18 just so that he wouldn’t have to pay child support for me, and to top it all off, he recently moved out of New York and didn’t bother to tell anyone where he was going, not even my grandma or his siblings. Needless to say, I hate when someone brings him up in conversation because it just hurts me to talk about it. I for some reason kept a note that he wrote to me, he gave it to my grandma to give to me on the day of my high school graduation because he decided at the last minute that he wasn’t going to come but didn’t even have the balls to tell me. The note basically explains why he didn’t come and then at the bottom it says (p.s. Remember when the going gets tough, the tough get going….xoxo). He put that letter inside of a picture frame with a photo of me and him when I was a baby and then there’s an empty space for another photo above it and it has a post it covering it that says (Graduation Photo). I don’t know why I kept the frame or the letter all these years, but I did, and I hate myself for it. I wish I could somehow get some type of closure with him but since I have no idea how to even contact him, I doubt that will happen.

Anyway, those are my demons of the day. How did I handle all the emotions I’ve been trying to repress for years? I wrote and worked on my fanfictions, I walked my dog, I cleaned my room, called my therapist, and found some peace in my head. It’s not easy, some days I really want to bash my head against a wall, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I have been through worse, and I am strong and resilient.

Keep fighting, I know its rough, but they say its worth it.

Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get going…xoxo